The love in my heart is still here, and its haunting me in a beautiful way

“We waste time looking for the perfect lover, instead of creating the perfect love.” ― Tom Robbins

When you close your eyes what do you see? These past few days, maybe even months, I've been seeing a guy I used be in love with back in 2009. Flashbacks of our short lived romance echo in the corner of my mind and are now more vivid and clearer than any memory I have ever recollected upon when thinking about him.

I remember the first time I ever laid eyes on him across the room at his job and all the times I stalked him there until I finally mustered up enough courage to hand him a flyer to a contest my band was going to be in. I had written my number on the back, and he ended up texting me later on that evening. He was always in a suit at work, he had long hair and was more handsome than any guy I had ever crushed on.

Days passed until we spoke again and had our first date. He looked awesome. He wore a beanie hat, vans, a tight japanese comic shirt and ripped up jeans. The sky was clear, the night was young and we were on our way to Crash Mansion. I was taking him to see the show I had handed him the flyer for. On our way to the show, we stumbled into an art exhibit that featured NYC street art, something I had been familiar with and dabbled in from time to time as a teen. Free art, free wine and a few minutes later a soft kiss in the middle of a giant intersection on Bowery. An hour after that my band kicked ass and won the crowd over with our cover of Radiohead's "Weird fishes."

I remember all the fun times we shared after that, one after the other.. Us holding hands walking through the city after dancing our asses off at a club; drunk as hell laughing about the little move we would do whenever the beat dropped. I remember the look in his eyes when I spoke to him across all the dinner tables we shared countless meals over. I remember him carrying me in the water at Rockaway beach as I shivered cold and wet as it started to rain. I was always insecure about the way I looked with my hair wet but never really around him.I remember the morning I told him I was in love with him as he got dressed for work and his reaction to it. He wasn't as excited as I was but I think it turned out to be the reason he let me in his life the way he did.I remember his smile, and that one time we stopped at a red light by an intersection off the grand central as he leaned over coming in for a hot kiss. I remember all the times he ran his fingers through my hair and all the times he told me how much he loved doing it. I remember the feeling of our lips, hands and bodies combined. Our sweat and our smell after we made love. I remember how safe I felt in his arms and all the dreams we shared about our future together. - We would save up enough money for a downpayment on a condo in the south-east side of the city. I would stay at home and write while he worked. Oddly this was something he always pictured having in his life, and thankfully it was something that would make my life easier. I was so happy being in love with him because he treated me to romance.

The most interesting part about him I thought was the love he had for his mother. Even though it took him two hours to get to work everyday he refused to move out because he loved her so much that he couldn't imagine being away from her for more than a day. I remember he even helped her on Sundays at the street fair where she sold her vintage clothing. Imagine one of your only days off and dedicating it to your mom.. Isn't that rare? I thought to myself. I had found prince charming.

He'd invite me over their home and cook us dinner and then breakfast in the morning. He was always passionate about his creations and I loved that about him. I remember he even started writing poetry.

And then I remember all the promises we made to each other and the month I broke them all...It was November of 2009 I was in California, and I got lost in the rush of being on Freelance Whales' first tour. It was 2 weeks into our tour with Fanfarlo and it was the most exciting thing I ever imagined could be happening to me. Thoughts penetrated my skull in waves but I couldn't even express them to anyone, let alone even with myself in the mirror. It seemed that all I cared about was that I was finally making my passion "a reality", and living out my dream. I refused to think. My music was all that mattered to me and I forgot everything outside of it. I remember not even calling my friends or family those 6 weeks because I was so focused in the present that I forgot about them too, I was certainly JADED. Playing for people who actually loved our music was all I saw and I turned into a machine without realizing the monster I was becoming. Maybe it was because I needed all the attention I could get because I was selfish or maybe it was because I subconsciously needed to make a mess out of things because it was what I was used to as a writer.

Hotels, radio shows, one gig after the next, autographs, booze, driving, more driving, rest stops, more clothes for my already packed suitcase. It was all happening so fast that it carried on for two years. I dated, and had some of the worst come out of me. Thankfully though those times led to some of of the most clearest realizations about my complex personality that Ive ever had. After the rain came the sun and I finally broke the fever of a serious depression that I had no idea was as bad as it was.

I guess the reason I'm writing this blog tonight is because somewhere along the line I forgot everything true love stood for, which was everything I thought I stood for but was too blind to see I was going about all wrong. I gave it all up for the rush of feeling important and I don't want that to happen to you. If you say you love someone and think you mean it, than chances are you probably do, however, you have to be careful with it and be cautious of your actions and watch yourself. because if all of a sudden you feel differently, it may be your mind playing tricks on you. Which means it may be time for you to take a step back and face the skeletons in your closet. (before it's too late!) In other words.. it's better to take a chance and choose your own path than it is to wait and see what happens. We waste so much time looking for love, instead of creating it that we forget how important sweet little memories are.

So last but not least I want to leave you with a poem I wrote 989 days ago and hope one way or another somebody out there gains from this whole mess and ends up making love STAY. So don't forget, create good memories because its what we remember so vividly years after they happen.

"Ferdinand" the banker.
Fuh Fuh Fuh Ferdinand
How does it feels to live by the sand?
A two hour ride is a very long time
Do you talk to strangers that sit by your side?
Do you count the clacking and clicks down bellow?
Do you take your coffee and croissant to go?
I remember your hair when it was quite long
And now you've decided you want to be strong
And drink & eat & watch me sing
Purchase a house and buy me a ring
We already know you look good in a suit
Eat buffalo wings and blueberry fruit
But what is it honey, you like about me?
I live in a building far from the sea.
And run from strangers who look into my eyes
And I'm bad with counting, I mess up every time
And I take my butter with toast and some tea.
Again what is it, that you like about me?
Cuz I cut my hair, it was also quite long
but it is symbolic of things that go wrong
And when I drink, I dont eat and forget how to sing
Rent out my room and wear plastic rings.
I'm not sure if i'd look great in a gown
Allergic to eggplants and I dance like a clown.
But whatever it is I'm glad you like it,
And hope that one day you dont try to fight it.
Yes thats just my luck they forget how to love,
Forget how to hold me and keep me in love.
So deposit your checks straight to my account!
And i'll be your sweetheart inside and out
Take me to dinner and pay for the tab
lets dance till the sun rise, and hale us a cab.
Call me up late and wish me sweet dreams
tell me you love me and those kinds of things.
I know its too soon but it'll take 90 days
to know if its true, or if it's just a phase.
Cuz i know myself and how i'm a fool for love.
I'll fall deep one night and never wake up.
I'll drink till I sleep if you hurt me so,
Get over it in a month then I'm ready to go.
Write songs till I'm dry, can no longer cry.
Happy again, hang out with friends,
Start over and then, pretend till the end.